Very long question but I think I'm going deranged?!?!?! (14 year old female)?

It's understandable that, after the life you've led, you would have some emotional trouble. I know you don't want to see a therapist, but it's really the best option for you. The therapist is there to help you, not judge you, and as bad as you think it is, she'll have seen it before. Find someone you're comfortable talking to and don't be afraid to get help.