How to handle whats out of my control?

Abuse,abortion,death,heartache,,suic… Ive been through all of those..I dont know what to do anymore..I cry constantly,I have nightmares constantly,I think about it all constantly..I was abused up until age 11.I died in a house fire and the drs brought me back when I was 10. I was d in 3rd grade.I started the suicide theory in 5th grade. In 7th grade a guy I thought I loved,used me and then threw me away.The suicide really kicked in..I od'ed on pills. In 8th grade I fell in love with the same guy I liked in 5th grade. We have been together for a long time now and we started having . I got pregnant with twins..Our moms forced me to get an abortion...I hate myself now,i always have. My guilt and pain level is getting extreme and I just dont know what to do anymore..Any suggestions? Cause mine are getting super low..